He is absolutely right about being able to touch the Stanley Cup, however--I myself have access to a recent picture of a friend with his arm wrapped loosely around it, as if taking an old buddy into confidence. I take no responsibility for the error, as I was out of town. (Sorry, honey.) But we'll change the guideline anyway. Here is the revised version:
Anyone submitting a manuscript accompanied by a picture of their bare foreskin touching the surface of the Stanley Cup will be automatically accepted.
Try to get that past security.