Saturday, March 19, 2011

Stallion Candy Cigarettes

Today I bought some candy cigarettes! Guests have stayed in our apartment all week and one of them smokes and at one point I said, I am going to buy some candy smokes so I can smoke with you. One of the guests said, I don't think you can buy those anymore. You can buy them online, I said, because I researched them once, when I started my current job, in an office full of smokers who regularly went outside to sit in the baking Florida sun and blow blue clouds at each other.

Anyway, we went to a candy shop and guess what, you can buy candy cigarettes in person. A ban was considered in 1970, then again in 1991, and both times was killed by the powerful candy tobacco lobby. I fingered through boxes marked with bullseye's and with stripes and decided finally on Stallion smokes:

We lit up (or "lit up") immediately. Kevin, one of my guests, pointed out that the cigarettes were just sticks of candy and did not actually produce smoke. I faintly remembered the cigarettes that did produce something like smoke, although now I think they were bubble gum cigarettes. The candy cigarettes I bought are just anemic white twigs that hang from your lips, getting bendy and slick, until you're disgusted enough to eat them or spit them out. If you eat them they melt on your tongue into puddles of chalky-sweet slop, which shouldn't be a terrible surprise but still sort of is.

You can light them on fire if you like, and they will char at the end, but you may experience dripping sugar that sears your skin on contact.


  1. I've always been convinced that they would feel and taste *exactly* like sidewalk chalk.

  2. I haven't tried candy cigarettes. I heard a lot about them and I'll probably try one sometime. I'm curious on how they taste.

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  3. They taste like a stale fun dip stick

  4. They taste like a stale fun dip stick

  5. If you set them on fire and burn the ends it tastes like a burnt marshmallow.