Addendum to the Guidelines

With thanks to Tin House for their brilliant pay-to-play strategy. These are not a joke. They are legally binding guarantees.

Anyone submitting to Uncanny Valley a manuscript accompanied by a receipt showing five hundred dollars spent on hardcore pornography will be automatically accepted.

For soft-core, it's a thousand.

Anyone submitting a manuscript accompanied by a picture of themselves performing a minor act of heroism (bringing a kitten down from a tree, helping an old lady across the street, eating an extra large deep-dish pizza without help) will be moved to the top of the slush.

For major acts of heroism (averting natural disasters, protecting children from bears, killing foreign US enemies, multiple orgasms) publication will be automatic.

Anyone submitting a manuscript accompanied by a certificate of third place or better in a hot dog eating contest will be automatically accepted. Certificate may be photo-copied, but not digitally scanned.

Anyone submitting a manuscript accompanied by a receipt showing the purchase of two thousand dollars worth of anal lubricant will be automatically accepted.

Anyone submitting a manuscript accompanied by definitive evidence of Bigfoot will be automatically accepted.

Anyone submitting a manuscript accompanied by a five-figure check will be automatically accepted.

Anyone submitting a picture of my own loved ones tied up in the back of an ice cream truck will be automatically accepted and paid the ransom in full.

Anyone who guesses the number in my head will be automatically accepted, declared a witch, and burned.

Anyone submitting a manuscript accompanied by a detailed, thoughtful book report on one of Tin House Books' Tin House Books (tm) will be automatically moved to the top of the slush, especially if the author can demonstrate the book was purchased at an independent bookstore in a rural community with three or more lesbian employees.

Anyone submitting a manuscript accompanied by a photograph or video featuring sufficiently attractive/large/wet/engorged primary or secondary sexual organs or characteristics will be automatically accepted and entered into a drawing for my own erotic portfolio.

Anyone submitting a manuscript accompanied by a picture of their skin touching the surface of the Stanley Cup will be automatically accepted.

Anyone submitting a manuscript accompanied by a groveling essay explaining why they can't meet any of the above requirements as well as a photo of them eating a bowl of their own shit will be considered, with considerable acrimony, for publication.